Pickpocketing 101

One of the hard parts of being a DM is the characters doing random things, like pickpocketing a random person. Here is a list of 101 random things that could be found in a pocket. Two notes: I run a post-apocalyptic campaign where modern items might be found, plus in the Middle Ages, "pockets" might be larger pouches and bags than what you would expect. 

1. A hard-boiled egg
2. 7 pieces of bullion (for broth) 
3. A box of matches, two crushed packs of cigarettes, and a couple of Tic-Tacs
   
   
4. A pack of Fruit Stripe gum
5. One nugget of gold
6. a Polariod of Meri, Pippin, and Treebeard
7. Half a turkey sandwich in waxed paper 
8. 17 ketchup packets
9. 3 fortune cookies, two are broken, but the third still functions
10. A spork and a knife
11. A bar of soap and one sock
12. A cheese knife and a wedge of cheese
13. A multitool 
14. Hockey tape and puck
15. A sling and 7 bullets
16. A sewing kit
17. One large onion
18. A ball of twine
19. 7 quarters and 3 dimes
20. A jar of Grey Poupon
21. A pair of gloves and a trowel
    
    
22. A Zippo lighter
23. 3 perfect skipping stones
24. A pair of glasses
    
25. 3 silver bars
26. A bundle of parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme. 
27. A set of files
28. A measuring tape
29. Scissors and a piece of chalk
30. A small first aid kit
31. A heel of bread
32. A small box of snuff
33. 4 tubes of paint and a brush (white, vermillion, ivory black, and yellow ochre) 
34. A balisong
35. A pipe, a tobacco pouch, and a cleaning tool
    
36. A laser pointer
37. A small pouch
38. A tin cup and a tea ball
39. A can of grease
40. A lucky coin
41. 3 chess pieces, one bishop, one queen, one rook. 
42. An Uno deck
43. 3 bungee cords
44. A paperback book, "What is Dungeons and Dragons?"
45. 6 ball bearings, 1" steel
46. 12 copper pennies in a snap pouch
47. A kalimba 
48. A pair of small nunchucks (1d3 damage) 
    
    
49. A folding pocket knife with the letter "P" engraved on it
    
    
50. Archery bracer and finger gaurds
51. Steel wool
52. Pegs for a lute
53. 15 safety pins
54. A compass
55. A small oil lamp, empty
56. Sunglasses, pink with rhinestones
57. A hymnal
58. Three tiny screwdrivers and a 10 mm socket
59. A pack of clove cigarettes and a book of matches
60. A tube of toothpaste and a well-used toothbrush
61. 3 votive candles in glass and wire holders 
62. 3 Sharpie markers, orange, brown, and black
    
    
63. 6 sheets of paper, the 6th has plans for a garden
64. A small book: "The Early History of Rome" by Levy
65. A pair of pliers and 8 nails
66. A canvas roll for paint brushes
67. 3 cards: a Jack, a Queen, and two, all clubs
68. A roll of Duct Tape and a small razor
    
    
69. A brush and soap in a cup
70. 3 carabiners and three iron spikes
71. A tiny 6" hammer
72. A play program from "Guys and Dolls"
73. A box with 3 gears on the front
74. 6 packets of seeds: tomatoes, zucchini, cucumbers, onions, lettuce, and goblins
75. A kitten
76. 24 cough drops
77. 72" of wick and a ball of wax
78. An oil can, full
79. A fabric map of France
80. A set of dominoes
81. Wolfsbane
82. 17 wooden dice, all 1d6
    
83. A set of shot glasses
84. Two ferrets
85. A straight razor and a small leather strop
86. A jar of Nutella 
    
    
87. A brass electric torch
88. Thieves tools
89. Brass wire and cutter
90. A set of guitar strings
91. A can of chicken noodle soup with a P-38 can opener
92. 23 recipe cards
93. A flask of brandy
94. A bottle of fluid, clearly labeled "food poisoning"
95. A glass cutter
96. 3 quartz crystals on a lanyard
97. 3 packs of sugar and 16 packs of saccharine
98. A glass jar full of milk
99. A pair of mittens and a hat
100. One rubber spatula

Bonus item: 

101. The One Ring

The Most Egregious Kickstarter Promotion Ever

Author's Note: Sometimes, life kicks you in the balls. Sometimes it just doesn't stop. If you don't laugh some or all of it off, you'll go nuts. This post is in that laughing spirit. 

It pokes fun at my situation, skewers my reviews and pays homage to a spammer that used my 52 Weeks of Magic series to promote a consignment shop by implying items sold were possibly magical. It also promotes a kickstarter campaign by Todd Leback.  

Todd Leback's Basilisk Hills Compiled Hexcrawl Kickstarter

Last year Todd Leback used Kickstarter to publish his book, Into the Wild. Mr. Leback's project was very successful, having met many, if not all of the stretch goals. In getting this project off the ground, Mr. Leback offered a preview look at his book which I reviewed. Even in the rough form, it was excellent. 

I should be re-reviewing Into the Wild now that I have a physical copy. I haven't because real life intrudes. Back on July 19th, my house burned. I am meeting the the structural engineer this week to see what parts of the building can be saved. For the most part, the entire contents of the home were completely destroy, burned to ash. 

Well, not everything. 

Into the Wild survived, as did the contents of two boxes that the book sat on. It was something of a miracle. This on Print on Demand title survived 1000° C heat. Amazing. 

This book is incredible. It was printed on high quality paper, in full color. The artwork is great and the maps are excellent as they are informative. This title is 221 pages and covers everything you need to run a Hexcrawl campaign by expanding Mr. Leback's prior works: Classing up the Joint, Domain Building, Hexcrawl Basics, Random Weather Generation, OSR Expanded Classes, and Wealth by NPC level. 

And it's affords protection from normal fires, 5' radius. 

In all seriousness I am not trying to imply that if you back Mr. Leback's kickstarter for Basilisk Hills Compiled Hexcrawl that it will protect your home from fire. 

No. 

I am telling you, you need to back Mr. Leback's kickstarter at the $25.00 Ultimate POD and PDF level to receive protection from fire. 

I've been a gamer since the 1970s. I can assure you that lesser works by Gary Gygax, Monte Cook and Dennis Sustare are not even fire resistant and absolutely do not confer any sort of bonus to your gaming shelf like Into the Wild does. Back then, we had some clues that most books were not fireproof. The Satanic Panic proved that great piles of the Holmes Editions D&D Box Sets were not proof against fire. Now we all suffer from a paucity of mint condition copies and tragically high eBay prices on sets that don't even come with chits. Don't let the Panic back in with it's crazy book burning and over the top rants targeting gamers of all types.  

Only you can prevent book burning.  And buying a copy of each of Mr. Leback's products is a good start. 

If Basilisk Hills Compiled is 1/10 the book that Into the Wild was, it should be able to save your game shelf from this: 

Crazy History Facts: The Difference Engine

After the French Revolution, the French figured they needed to adopt the metric system because life wasn't hard enough. The French philosopher Marquis de Condorcet said the metric system was, "for all people for all time". He was correct, and  America is the exception that proves the rule. 

One of the bad things about metric conversion is, someone has to convert whatever it was you were using to the appropriate metric units and values. In a period without computers, the French came up with a very odd solution. The top hair dressers of the time had a noticeable lack of nobility to pamper, so they were enlisted to do these calculations. Hair dressers are notoriously bad at math and there were so many mistakes, Charles Babbage decided to make a machine to do the math.

The Difference Engine was so fabulously complex, it had 25,000 parts and weighed 15 tons. It was started in 1847 and finished in 1991. It took 9 more years to construct a printer for output. Just in time for the year 2000.

A little pointed mocking...

Oh, my wife so doesn't get it. My sister found a picture of me from 1985 and shared it with my wife. This was the result:

I could have been any one of the kids on Stranger Things. Well, except Barb because I was the DM and if I went missing, someone would have looked for me by 8 pm, Saturday evening.  

A funny very short

Molly’s husband asked if they had a thermometer because he wasn’t feeling well. Her initial answer was, “I am feeding two babies because I am their mother, not yours. I am not the keeper of thermometers so you need to go look in the bathroom.”

Several minutes later, her husband comes back down stairs and asks, “Do we really need three thermometers?”

She turned to see him with a glass thermometer in his mouth and replies “You have one in three chance of wanting me to answer."

Molly is now officially the keeper of thermometers in her house.

Destiny evolution to 2 - No love for hunters

I've been plowing through my json file for G+.

Back in May of 2015, my son was playing Destiny with me. He was 9 or 10. In the middle of a mission, he stopped and climbed into my lap. I asked him what was wrong.

"I need a hug."
"Are you a Titan?"
"Yes."

I gave him a hug. He asked why it matter if he was Titan. I told him: "No hugs for Hunters."

I uploaded a crude screenshot of his Titan and my Hunter to the Destiny Community page in G+. This started my long time habit of heckling hunters in that community. 

Now, heckling is all in good fun and I suspect that Bungie had some fun with me and my son. Here is a screencut from Destiny 2. 

What are the chances? 

File under Funny - Kitty's Whim and Horses

It started when Kitty wanted to ride horses. So one cold winter day, we were off to ride horses on a whim. Her horse was named Star and mine was called Chico. I can managed to mount a horse and saunter around, but I am far from experienced.

Chico was a majestic, deep brown horse, standing about 16 hands. I got on him like a champ. And I sat there for about 5 minutes smiling and admiring him as he admired me.
Well, no. He was sizing me up.

First, he twitched head to hoof. Then he spun, followed by a serious attempt to throw me. Since I was still attached, he took off like bolt of lightning racing over mud and snow, on the trail and then between trees. His final trick to get me off was to crash to a stop in a shallow pond and roll.

I managed to keep my seat through all of it, including in the part where he rolled over me in 18 inches of water, mud and ice. I somehow fell backwards against Chico's rump instead of being smashed forwards onto the pommel. Then we trotted back to the barn where the rest of the group was waiting.

I was terrified. So terrified, that the grin I had on mounting him was locked on my face. I couldn't speak because I had the wind knocked out of me. The people who were expecting a complaint or possibly a lawsuit were left the impression that I was completely unfazed by the horseplay. And off we went on the rest of the ride. Me, sopping wet, bruised and bloodied; others, happy, dry, and content.

After that, I was in with her.

File under Funny - College Job

In the early 1990's, I had a "job" watching the computer rooms at my school. I didn't take much effort, either it was nailed down or too old to be of use to the average student. I wasn't required to know anything about computers. Which was good, because I didn't. 

One day, a guy who had interviewed for the very job I currently held came in the room. He knew a lot about computers and for whatever reason wasn't given the job. I think he had a relative at the school and it was a political thing. Anyone but him as show of "fairness". 

His sudden appearance set off alarm bells. He was acting oddly, fidgeting with stuff and moving from work station to work station. Since the room was fairly full, it was a distraction. If someone got up, he plopped himself in to the empty chair and fidgeted before moving on. Final, I asked him what he was doing. 

He muttered something and turned bright red. It was clear he was both angry and embarrassed. I asked him to repeat himself and he shouted "I'm cleaning mouse balls!" 

I nearly died.